I came across this tweet today:
The last sentence kind of stuck. An endless today, never tomorrow.
As someone whose coping mechanism is to always see the silver lining even in the deepest depths of darkness, I find myself automatically pushing negativity to the very back of my mind every time I receive a piece of bad news and pretending it doesn't exist. It's always been like that for me, as it's easy. The time I almost broke my ankle, I thought okay, at least I didn't break my ankle. Then I went on to look forward to the days to come, days where my ankle would finally heal and I would be walking like a normal person again. Sure enough those days came, and I don't have to deal with being sad and being in pain ever again.
That was exactly what I did and what I went through the first time I heard about Coronavirus. Uneasiness grew surely but surely, from the time China declared lockdown, death tolls peaked in Italy, but somehow I always managed to suppress my fear and keep thinking it's going to be okay, at least it's not me. It's happening somewhere far, thousands, or even millions of kilometers away from me. Even by the time the local government declared lockdown (scratch that, large scale social distancing), as I sat down waiting for my dad to pick me up from what would be my last time stepping foot on campus grounds, looking at the barren campus grounds, no lively chatter to be heard and none of the usual early afternoon in-campus traffic, I still have the strength to think that this too, shall pass. What I didn't know was that I was actually trying to tell myself that this isn't happening, that no matter how real is this, this is all just some ridiculously realistic nightmare.
For the first few days of lockdown, I was on full alert: I kept track of death tolls and recoveries in my diary. I started to sing Happy Birthday whenever I wash my hands to make sure I followed the twenty seconds WHO protocol. I stopped taking notes twelve days later, I muted all Coronavirus-related keywords on Twitter to keep myself from panicking, I stopped holding my breath whenever I did so much as taking a single step out of the house. But at the same time I'm still denying everything: I keep on making fun, possible scenarios of what to do after this pandemic ends. The first few scenarios start with 'I'm going to...' but later it changed to 'I will...' I remember my English teacher saying, when you're sure you're going to do something, then you use the phrase 'I'm going to...' but when you're not so sure you can do something, use the phrase 'I will...' instead. It suddenly became clear: this is happening. There's no way out. No silver lining to look forward to. Everyone around the world is just as unsafe as I am. I tried to push this negativity all the way to the back of my mind like I usually do, but to no avail. It kept coming back.
Instead of realizing that this is very well happening, I'm launched into yet another level of denial - the 'help I don't know what to do so I'm just going to be mean to everyone and myself while hoping things will magically improve' stage. I lost my appetite, I only ate once in the span of two days, I barely have the energy to walk around the house. I have to keep holding my stomach to keep myself from retching. I snap at everyone. My head is screaming at me and I just don't know how to shut it down. I can only scream back at the various voices in my head, "Calm the fuck DOWN I'M JUST AS CLUELESS AS YOU ARE!"
Then I saw the tweet and had the strangest reaction: "Oh. So this is really happening. Okay." It was strange at first to be saying the word 'okay' and actually meant it, but it was liberating at the same time. I was finally honest with myself. I'm not okay! I'm scared! I'm readily admitting that I, am scared! Shitless, for that matter!
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So if there's anything this pandemic (or Coronavirus for that matter) has taught me, is to not dismiss my own feelings. To address fear. To be able to admit that I am not okay, to actually face my fears and drown myself in toxic positivity.
I guess I ought to thank Coronavirus for that. Funny how I have to go through a fucking global pandemic just to be honest with myself.
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